More questions than answers

Well, some time has passed since I last posted. I have been both busy and in an all-consuming funk as of late. I can't really explain it, but part of it has to do with my current school schedule. It's just not he most exciting thing in the world right now, and I find myself thinking of home and other things. That's dangerous when you still have some 11 weeks left until school is finally over for a while. I've always been a bad day counter, and BOLC2 sapped the last bit of my motivation.

My friend Mary Anne and her husband, Cy, have both told me on numerous occasions that "you're problem is you want to go out and change the world." This is usually after I've denied yet another job offer from Cy to go and work for Fastenal and make a lot of money as one of his employees. I would always thank him and make some statement similar to the change the world deal. Then I would promptly forget about it and go about making my plans to "change the world."

I would usually roll my eyes and tell myself that I don't think that I need to change the world. I haven't thought about those moments in a long time until I got here. Since coming here I do a lot of thinking. I tend to think of just about everything except what I should be thinking about here. In keeping with that tendency I went to the bookstore this past week and bought a Dean Koontz and a Chris Baldacci novel. I began the Dean Koontz book and found a little bit of wisdom in an odd place.

The book, Fear Nothing, has turned out to be quite intriguing, and as I lay reading it on Saturday night, I read a few pages that left me sitting open mouthed in wonder. While Chris and Bobby are discussing the strange turn of events surrounding the past several hours, they come to a decision point. They must do as Christ wishes and pursue the matter further, or they may take Bobby's path and just forget it happened at all and hope life returns to normal. As Chris goes off to change the world Bobby says, "You know what your problem is? Your problem is you want to make a mark on the world. You want to leave something behind that says, I was here."

Chris responded by saying that he pretty much didn't care about things like that. Sound familiar thus far? I was in agreement at this point until Bobby's next point.

"We're not here to leave a mark, bro. Monuments, legacies, marks--that's where we always go wrong. We're here to revel in the world, to soak in the awesomeness of it, to enjoy the ride . . . The world's maximum perfect as it is, beauty from horizon to horizon. Any mark any of us tried to leave--, it's only graffiti. Any mark is no better than vandalism . . . Live life. Soak it up. Enjoy. That's what you're here to do."

Now I understand how this might come off as a "throw everything to the wind and live in complete and utter drunken revelry." In the context of the book you would realize that this is not what Bobby is saying. Chris suffers from a disease that has left him extremely photosensitive. The fact that he has lived to 28 years of age is a miracle in and of itself. Bobby is trying to ensure that Christ prolongs his years and makes the most of what he has.

With that being said and looking back at Bobby's idea, have I missed a point in life? Have I missed what it's all about? Have I wasted time . . . a lot of it? I'm normally not a confused and mentally errant person, but those few words summed up the thoughts in my mind over the last few weeks perfectly.

I feel like I've missed some simply truth in my life that has been staring me in the face for 27 years only to go unseen due to my blindness. I think of my mother and the focus on life she has always seemed to possess throughout my life. Have I made my life far more difficult than it should be? Do I seek things in other places that I have always had close by? I am discovering more questions at a time when I thought my life was going to start becoming clearer.

What's going on?